January 15, 2015 8:30 a.m I took another pill today. I had to. I was getting chills, my muscles throbbed, and the room seemed to be spinning. I knew that as soon as I took that pill, all of that would go away. That doesn’t make me a different person, or a bad person, or an addict. Addicts choose to take their drug of choice again and again. I was shot in the line of duty while I was desperately trying to save a newborn child from an explosive meth house. You should have seen the way the people looked in that house. They were bruised, scarred, and just about foaming at the mouth. They had no hope for their life; no family, no friends, and nowhere better to call home than this rundown meth lab that could have blown up and ended all of their lives in seconds, but perhaps they didn’t care. Lately, however, it’s just been one pill after another. It helps me forget the fact that I was let go from the police force. It helps me forget that all of the amazing, brave, and young officers that I had once called my friends, were killed in that same meth house... the one that I should not have left alive. Most of all, it helps me forget that the man, whom I had devoted my heart and sole to, had the audacity to rip my daughter out of my hands in my time of grief. So here I am, stepping out of a cheap checkered taxicab, about to step foot into some old farmstead in the middle of North Carolina. Here lives my dearest brother, Matt, and his mainstream, pessimistic generation-x, college dropout, yoga instructor wife, Shelby. According to Mason, I am to stay here until I can “sober up and become a mother”. Since there is absolutely nothing for me to do here in the back of beyond North Carolina, I thought I’d keep myself company by writing down my thoughts.
Sincerely, Lee Harris
March 21, 2015 10:57 p.m Well, there’s good news and bad news. Let’s just jump right into the bad news, shall we? Mason decided to pay a visit today. I’m not going to lie, when I first saw him I wanted to sprint to him as fast as I possibly could and jump into his arms. I would finally feel as though I’m safe, even if it’s just for a moment. I miss him. I miss that feeling... the feeling of belonging to someone. All I’ve done in this isolated farmhouse is think about him and Flora. Just then, I saw him digging through a duffel bag in the passenger seat of his car and pull out a big orange envelope. There’s no way, I thought to myself, there’s no way he would do that to me. Actually, he would... and he did. He greeted me without eye contact, and his body language confirmed what I knew to be inevitable at that point. He handed me the envelope as the stone cold words slip out of his mouth. He told me “it’s time” and that he “wants to do what is best for our precious Flora”. What about what is best for me? Huh? That is why he kicked me out of my own home; so he would have a reason to get me out of his and Flora’s lives as much as he could. I have done absolutely nothing to deserve this. Ready for the good news? I heard the back door open up quietly and my eyes instantly fell upon the most beautiful little girl I have ever met in my life. My little Flora came running into my arms as I unsuccessfully tried to hold back tears. She couldn’t stop telling me how much she missed me, and how her and Mason had been doing all sorts of fun things that she wish I would’ve been able to be a part of. I could listen to her talk all day. I can’t let you go, I thought, I’m never letting you go. As quickly as she came, she left.
Sincerely, Lee Harris
April 6, 2015 12:53 p.m Don't take another pill. You’re pushing Flora farther and farther away with each pill you take. Flora needs a mother. She needs someone to look up to; someone to look after her and teach her about life. Don’t let Mason get to you. The divorce is finalized and there is no going back. You are an addict. You have nowhere to hide. You will be stuck in this sad excuse of a home unless you do something about it. She needs you, Lee. Don’t take another pill. My head is spinning. I try to focus my vision on something stagnant but eventually it ripples like ocean tides or swirls like hot tea after it’s stirred. I’ve been taking pill after pill, in hopes that it will fill the void in my heart that Mason has created. This is his fault. If he hadn’t taken baby from me, I wouldn’t be taking these pills. I wouldn’t be digging myself deeper and deeper into this hell hole. He did this. I have no one. I am as lonely as the Tenere Tree. Matt and Shelby have become wary of my pill habit. They say if I ever need someone to talk to, they’re always going to be there to support me. I have hope. They give me something to hold on to. I have no connection to Flora or Mason any longer, but I have a brother and his wife, no matter how I feel bout her, and they care. I do have a family. They are here for me and I cannot take advantage of that. Push yourself, Lee. Do not, I repeat, do not take another pill. You can not let down Matt, Shelby, Mason... Flora. My perfect, perfect Flora. Do it for Flora.
Sincerely, Lee Harris
May 14, 2015 5:30 a.m They’ve been talking to me. I don’t know who they are or what they want, but I can hear them. They tell me that I’ll be okay if I just listen to them. I trust them. I feel as though they understand my true fears and longing for a way back to Flora. More pills. They give me the feeling that I’ve been wanting all this time. I feel safe; like I am supposed to be here with them. They keep me company in my time of despair, as I keep them company in their time of loneliness. They tell me that I can’t breathe a word of our conversations to Matt and Shelby. It is our little secret, they say. They talk about Shelby often. They say that she is the reason Matt looks down upon me. More pills. They remind me that before Matt had met her, he was constantly by my side, trying to keep me safe. I tell them that she is family. She makes my brother very happy. It is not my duty to prevent Matt from starting a family with someone he cares so deeply about. More pills. They want me to hurt you, Shelby. I can’t hurt you. I need to tell you. More pills. These voices... they are not my friends. I need to tell you, Shelby. I need help.
Sincerely, Lee Harris
May 15, 2015 2:28 p.m They don’t believe me. They think I’m crazy. I’m not crazy! You know what? Maybe these voices are my friends. They are only ones making me feel sane. They are the only ones there for me. They trust me, and I trust them. Tonight, the conversation shifted topics. Tonight, we talked about Mason. Mason is bad for me. He is bad for my family and for the hope of regaining my connection to Flora. It would be so much better, for everyone, if he were to just go away somewhere. He needs to be far, far away from Flora and I. I know that there is absolutely no possible way that he would ever allow me to have my Flora back. Mason won’t go away unless I make him. The voices tell me that once I get rid of Mason, I will finally get my Flora back and the life that I have always dreamt of. If anything, being without Mason will be better than the life I had imagined with him. Flora and I will go anywhere and everywhere we want. Now I just have to figure out how to get rid of him for good... I have been a police officer for more than twenty years, so I know how to get rid of a body without any evidence at the scene of the crime. Mason needs to suffer for what he’s done. The voices tell me to keep going. They want more. I won’t just kill him... I’m going to make sure he feels every ounce of pain and heartache that I have felt since arriving at this farmhouse. Now I’ve lost Matt and Shelby too! The people who told me that they would be here for me if I needed them. They want to see crazy Lee? Crazy Lee is what they’ll get.
Sincerely, Lee Harris
May 29, 2015 3:54 p.m You did it, Lee! About a week ago, I had contacted one of my old police crew members, saying that I think it would be best for me to be around people who remind me of home. Since everyone thought I crazy, he jumped at the chance to be a “hero” and “cure” the drug addict/crazy person. While I was there, I went around the house searching for any kind of weapon that would make the most impact on my beloved ex-husband. Once I got the gun from under his bed (classic policeman move), I left. I then waited until I knew everyone was asleep inside my former home, where Mason had been keeping my daughter isolated from me. Obviously, I knew just where to find the bedroom. I crept beside where he was laying and pulled the trigger. Flora has always been a heavy sleeper so it was to no surprise to find her sleeping soundly in her bed. I picked her up and carried her to the car as she wrapped her arms around my neck. At that moment, I was the happiest I had ever been before. All of that waiting and all of that pain that I had endured during my time at the farmhouse had been worth it. Every second leading up to this exact moment in time was worth it. I have my baby. Come to find out that the moment, that I have just described, has been greatly surpassed by hearing the words “Mommy, I missed you so much!”. I am a mother. I have always been destined to be with my Flora. No man, no matter what his title in my life may be, has the right to take my daughter away from me, especially the way that Mason did. Now, I am happy. I have everything I've ever wanted.
Sincerely, Lee Harris
June 3, 2015 5:45 p.m What have I done? The voices... they told me to do it. It's not my fault. The police came to Matt and Shelby's, looking for Flora and I. I told her to hide under the bed until she heard me say our special word, “precious”. They stormed into the room like a pack of hungry wolves. They held heavy guns. I am not dangerous. I took Flora from Mason. He was the dangerous one, not me! I can still hear their voices in my head shouting “where is she, Lee?” and “what did you do to Mason?”. They are not taking her from me. Flora is mine! Tears streamed down my cheeks as I yelled at them to get out. They continued to search the room, and eventually found Flora hiding under the bed. They told her that she would be safe now. She was safe with me! I saved her! Flora was sobbing so badly that her eyes looked swollen. “Mommy didn’t say the special word,” Flora cried. “Put me back!”. The words echo in my brain. Before I could account for what was happening, I was flipped onto my stomach and put in handcuffs. I’m not the bad guy! I’m really not... I saved Flora. I was released from the jail the following morning because they had no evidence that I was Mason's killer, but it’s no use running away from. What else do I have to lose? I just wanted to be with my baby. I needed Matt and Shelby. I talked to them like they told me to. I guess they didn’t want to be associated with a “drug addict” or a “crazy person”. I had no one to help me when I desperately needed help. Now, there is no hope. There is no future. Your mommy loved you more than life itself, Flora. I’m watching over you from heaven. I hope you decide to help someone, whoever it may be, when they need help the most. It could be a matter of life or death. May we meet again.